Laura and I decided a long time back to go with a known donor when we decided we wanted to have children. We had SOME knowledge as to what this would entail, but it was somewhat generalized and more like an overview than detailed comprehensive knowledge.
But oh boy are we finding out.
I think it’s natural human behavior that some things don’t become interesting until you need to know them. We’ve begun researching some of the legality of our decision. Mind you we intend to seek further, professional, legal council before moving ahead too much further, but still it’s good to broaden your own experience first so you’re not totally in the dark when the lawyer starts up.
First thing I found out, Ohio doesn’t allow for second parent adoption. This is especially disappointing for me. I have strong urges as a future gaybie mommy. I want to be a highly involved part of this child’s life. But knowing that there is no legal protection under me leaves me feeling somewhat adrift. Laura and I are a very secure couple. We love one another dearly and after seven years this is the direction we have decided to go in our family. But we can’t pretend to be a better couple or that we’re somehow going to be perfect parents. What if we get into an argument and things turn dirty? (It happens in every couple no matter how in love.) What if we separate (god[s] forbid) and I can’t have any contact at all? What if her parents want to sever my connection to their grandchild.
Not that I think any of this will ever happen. But when you have kids your entire world changes. And you can’t predict the future. It’s a frightening reality.
Also, since we’ve chosen to go with a known donor, we’ve realized that contracts only protect you so far. A state will likely choose the rights of the biological parents over those of the “family” if things come to ahead. This means when we decide on a donor we need to be in VERY clear agreement about what the roles are for the family. Honestly, Laura and I have discussed an Uncle & Aunt scenario. One where the prospective donor and wife are like part of an extended family. We share some holidays and special occasions and when the child reaches an appropriate age (14-16) and maturity level, we tell them who their biological father is. But we want it to remain abundantly clear that WE (Laura and Myself) are the primary caregivers.
And this is just the tip of the ice berg. Urgh. I’m glad we started planning this far ahead.

Comments (1)

One of my friends at school is a girl from Puerto Rico named Patricia. (Pronounced Pat-ritz-ea) We got to talking about culture and the differences and I found out some really interesting stuff. Like how ever since she was a little girl everything she and her family had was home made. Her mother taught her how to sew and knit and make adorable little hair ribbons for church. She does them now for friends and family and she expressed how odd it is that Americans BUY everything for their kids.
Patricia: “I remember my mother taught me how to make (gestures to shoulder) those cloths…you put them here.”
Me: “Burpie cloths?”
Patricia: “Yes burpie cloths. We would knit them up and put binding on them and stitch little hearts and their names on it. It was all very important to us. It means a lot to have one made by family. Some people sold theirs but it just didn’t mean the same if you bought it.”
I kind of explained to her that it really began in World War II. When the men were all drafted and the women had to have a way to make money we kinda left the kitchen and the sewing machines and behind to get a job and support our family. When the men came home most women kept their jobs but we were still expected to maintain the household like before. So we started simplifying as much as possible. Canned and instant foods became en vogue. Washing machines were popularized. And of course items that were usually sewn by hand or patched together began being mass produced. The easier women found it to use these products the more popular they became.
Patrica: “But all the clothing looks the same. Didn’t your mothers teach you?”
Let me be honest here, my mother does NOT sew, stitch, knit, bind, darn, cross stitch…etc.
So we got on the subject of Home Economics.
Honestly, I think with the way the economy is (and likely will be for a while) it would be a big benefit for men and women to take. Heck if they offered it in college I would take it in a heart beat. Don’t get me wrong, I have no intention of becoming a complete stay-at-home-50’s-Leave-It-To-Beaver-mother. It’s just not me. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with knowing how to do these things. I’m a pretty good cook. I can sew a little bit. But I would love knowing how to make little outfits and dolls and fix clothing. *squee*
I also told Patricia she could go to Etsy.com and make a mint with that kind of merchandise. Americans go bonkers for handmade baby stuff.

Comments (0)

Last night I had a dream the Kalynn and I were back in High School and I find myself with an unplanned pregnancy. Afraid that Kalynn would be angry at me I attempt to run away from home. Then I woke up, went to the bathroom, got back into bed and had the same exact dream only this time it was acted out by the cast of Bones… and there was a talking cat. Then I woke up, went to the bathroom (are we sensing a pattern?) got back into bed and had a dream that during my period my insides started falling out. Kalynn’s reaction to my slight problem? She was yelling at me that I was useless to her now.

I wonder what it all could mean…

Comments (0)

The last time we babysat, the poor girl was teething, and frankly we just couldn't handle it. I never felt so bad in my whole life as having to call my friend and say "We just can't take the screaming anymore!" and making her come and pick up Brea.

But this time we were prepared. We debated offering to babysit again because we chickened out the last time, but it really felt like this was something we had to learn how to take. After all it's not like we're going to give birth to a miracle child that never cries or screams.

And let me tell you...Brea SCREAMS!

Don't get me wrong, on the whole she's a sweet kid. Strawberry blond hair and hazel eyes. When she smiles it's this quirky little curve of her lips that makes you laugh when you see it. She babbles and talks to you. She loves mirrors and anything she can bang on. She likes the cats and dog and wants to be held and play. Great kid.

But when she screams it feels like someone it ramming and ice pick into my brain, attaching it to a drill, and turning on the power.

But we were determined to do it this time. We had to figure out how to cope with the not-so-fun parts of being parents. Calling mommy was not an option.

So we covered the basics first. We fed her and changes her diaper. Gave her a dark, quiet room and hummed while rubbing her back. She just kept screaming. I started to wonder if maybe she was at an age that we just needed to let her scream it out for a little while. (She's 8 months BTW) We sat back a little, close enough to be near her but not touching her and she just kept crying and screaming. Finally Laura suggested that I look through the diaper bag and see if her mom had left anything to help.

The minuet I pulled out the bottle she started babbling and reaching for it. Mind you we had already fed her baby food (butternut squash) but it was getting late. So I figured if the kid wants a warm bottle before bedtime let her have it. That was all it took. Once she had that in her mouth with a warm tummy she curled up and napped for a little while. When we started to get tired we moved her to the bedroom with us and made a little triangle with our bodies.

I gotta tell you no matter how many times the book says not to worry about rolling over on your baby I still slept like a board on that bed. Poor Laura ended up on this little sliver of mattress. But it did bring up and interesting topic we hadn't though about before.

What is your opinion on co-sleeping. It's something of a trend in parenting right now and I guess in most countries simply common sense. I honestly feel like it's just plain practical during those first few months when your up every 2 hours anyhow to feed your kid. Plus The Ultimate Guide To Pregnancy for Lesbians By Rachel Pepper, says that co-sleeping can reduce the risk of SIDS, as well as add a little comfort to a concerned first time parent. Laura says (and I'm inclined to agree)that every parent needs their space after a while and sooner or later the kid needs to learn how to sleep on their own and self calm. I would honestly say co-sleeping for the first 4 months, keep the crib in the room till 6 months, and then move the baby into another room so that they can learn to self comfort.

Whats your opinion?

Comments (1)

I...AM...

a shitty house keeper.

Laura and I have been going through this since we first moved in together. I am not a consistent housekeeper is actually more accurate. When I clean I do a fairly good job, but most of the time it's Laura who keeps the house neat and tidy.

I'm not making excuses, but I will admit to coming home on most days and just not wanting to mess with it. I'm often doing homework, or at school or at one job or the other, do doing an observation. So when I have a few hours at home I like to sit down for a bit.

But she's right when she says that it's not a luxury we can have with a child. And especially if she is going to be limited in mobility for any length of time (last trimester and/or post c-section) then the house work and care is going to fall on me.

Which means she wants me to start proving I can carry my share NOW. We said we were going to be honest with one another about this thing. And this is a problem she wants solved before we get serious about a baby.

Comments (0)

My boss and I were having a conversation about babies today. I should briefly mention that I am out where I work (very out) and 99.9% of the time I receive no argument over it. My boss has 2 kids, one of whom is also gay, and so I feel very comfortable talking to her honestly about things. I was going through how much planning we're getting into and how that planning leads to more questions which leads to more conversations which inevitably leads to MORE planning. My exact words were "If straight people had to do this much planning to have a baby nobody would ever have get pregnant!"

Her response? "We don't plan! I didn't plan. In fact I had just started taking birth control when I got pregnant!"

That cracked me up. I mean hear I am positively giddy with the thought of helping bring a child into the world when she specifically tried to AVOID it when it happened. I guess I can understand that. I mean I have bragged before about not having to worry about pregnancy just because of being gay and teased my friends for having to be constantly worried about getting knocked up. Now I feel like...well...

I'm happy that Laura and I can freely have sex without having to be afraid of an unplanned bundle. I'm glad I can finish college unhampered by homework amidst diapers and crying and bottles and hormones. I'm friggin giddy that while other people have had to deal with a child at 16, 17, 18, I've been able to skip that part due to something so simple as biological preference for peaches over bananas.

I'm upset to know that when we're finally ready there is going to be a mountain of paperwork and fees to climbs over. I'm worried that the process in and of itself will be so taxing as to completely discourage us. It frightens me to think of the millions of ways it can go wrong just because of a simple preference for peaches over bananas.

Comments (0)

I’m starting to chart my cycle. It’s not as easy as the cart makes it seem. You look at the chart and it look at you and says: “take you temp-put it here. Check your wetness-define it as ‘D,’ ‘P’ or ‘CM.’”

Oh so deceptive of you, chart.

I found out you can take your temp orally (thank god! Wow I feel like an idiot) as long as you stay with that method and take it at the same time each day. I usually take my temp twice and I always seem to get 2 radically different numbers the first and second time, so I just keep taking it over and over until I see some kind of pattern. But then do you write down the median, the highest temp, the lowest, or the one that comes up most often? The chart offers no answers on this.

 I don’t even think I have the right thermometer. I need a “basal” thermometer. I Goggled it and what came up LOOKS like the thermometer in my bathroom, but I can’t remember if when I bought my thermo if it said it was a “basal.” I bought the thing when I had the flu and my main concern at the time was that it just spit out a semi correct visual representation of how crappy I felt.  I’m just going to buy a new one and in the meantime I’m not charting my temp.

Then you have to designate your wetness (I’m not calling it mucus more than I have to) as “D” for dry,  “p” for period, or “CM” for cervical mucus. It would seem so simple, but I have this overwhelming need to write in the margins about every little thing that does not fit so neatly into those three abbreviations. ”D” is never really dry, no woman should be baby powder dry down there unless there is a medical condition.

And oh god, if I forget to do it for a day! I really can’t think back 24 hours and remember what was going on down there! Perhaps that makes me bad charter. Perhaps good charters can recite from memory what their vajayjay has been doing for the last 2 weeks.

So why am I charting in the first place?  At first I thought it was just because the baby book told me to do so, and I the good little solider was following orders. But I think I figured out the use of the darn thing.

I’ve always been pretty good at knowing when I’m ovulating. I can actually usually FEEL a twinge when my eggs release, I’ve noticed the change in my “CM” around that same time and it was not great leap for me to make the connection. But that only meant that I understood that I was ovulating only after it occurred. I had no idea when it was coming, only after it had been.

The point of the chart should be to help me know when to expect it a few days before it happens. This is obviously going to help when it comes time to inseminate.

This is what I don’t want the point of the chart to be: I don’t want to become obsessed about it. I don’t want to get guilt ridden if I forget a day. I don’t want it to be one more thing in my life that I feel like I have to be perfect at. I don’t want it to dictate to me.

The good news is I’m in control of all of those things. The first step in trying to get pregnant is coming to understand when you are and aren't' fertile. It's simple, know your body. Don't just be a passenger in your own body wondering what those strange sound are coming from the engine. Know what's under the hood.

I'm sure I'll get the hang of it. The first month of my chart may look a mess, but I'll soon be able to do this in my sleep, I hope!

Comments (1)